


First, Not Worst

by Anonomeis



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, First Dates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 06:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9709271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonomeis/pseuds/Anonomeis
Summary: Mei and Junkrat's first date has more than a few mishaps.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Noodlerooster](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Noodlerooster).



> Secret Cupid for NoodleRooster. Reaper-Botherer betaed this.

A year ago, this would've been unthinkable. But many things had happened in those twelve months. Overwatch came alive again, and added some former criminals to its ranks. One of those criminals she once had problems with, which evolved into being lip-locked in the middle of a training room after setting off many explosives, and not just the dynamite.

It was a long story, really.

She'd picked out a blue polka-dot dress, just a little retro. Okay, a _lot_ retro, given the years she lost. The way his eyes widened when he caught sight of her made Mei know it was a good choice. 

Junkrat kept tugging at his dark shirt with white skulls all across the front, which was at least one size too big for him. She couldn't tell if he'd borrowed something from his friend, or if he'd gone without shirts for so long that he had no idea how to shop for himself. 

Believe it or not, it wasn't the threat of getting pulled into a line up which made their first attempt at a date turn out the way it did.

Cars soared just above them. The rush of traffic was almost enough to drown them out, but at this proximity, she could just hear him. She'd considered making plans in the mess hall of Overwatch headquarters, however, Junkrat had a habit of taking that term a little too literally. So it was, they sat on a bench, like they were waiting for a floating bus, almost like they were just two normal people. Not a former-criminal-now-top-secret-agent and a person displaced out of time.

"So, what are the plans for today?" Mei said.

Junkrat eagerly unfolded a pamphlet. "Eh? Eh? You know this will be a great time."

Mei stared incredulously back at Junkrat. "A date to the largest tire fire? _Really_?"

"You just _know_ it's going to blow sooner or later, and just _imagine_ the kind of boom a fire going on for over a hundred years would go."

"You'd help it along," Mei said.

"Naturally," Junkrat said.

She sighed. "You packed explosives? We'll be dragged off to the police station and spend the night in prison!"

"No, Roadie confiscated them all. He's been fussing all this time. Dragged me to go shopping, made me take about five showers in one day, he even made me read a bunch of flash cards."

She couldn't help but laugh. "Well, at least he's got his head on right."

"That he does. He's probably all that's kept me alive all these years." Junkrat dug back into the big pockets of his loose jeans, and pulled out another pamphlet.

"Then, how about a museum! Like this one, there's something we both can enjoy." 

"The _museum of burning tire fires?_ That's not different at all!"

"But, it's got the best of both worlds: potential explosions _and_ museums," Junkrat said. "Eh? Eh?"

"No tire fires, even if museums are involved," she said.

"I guess this calls for something drastic." He slowly put every pamphlet back into the big pockets of his jeans. With a sly smile, he grasped both her hands in his. "Let me surprise you."

She stared down at his hands, very aware of just how many ways this could go wrong. The newspaper headlines loomed before her: _former criminal accidentally blows up restaurant_ or _former criminal attacks mimes. "They were just too freaky_!"

"Aww, you trust me, don't you?"

"About as far as I can throw you," she said.

"Well, considering that Roadie always said I weigh about as much as two leaves and need to eat more, I bet that's pretty far. Hey, let's try it! Pick me up, and we'll see just how far I go. We'd need something soft...like a trampoline!"

"Let's save me picking you up and carrying you off to soft things for at least the fifth date," she said dryly.

"If we end up in prison...."

"We'd have to work awful hard to end up in the clink where _I'm_ taking you." Junkrat scratched his chin. "I mean, I suppose we could, if we tried real hard. It would be special-our first incarceration together! It'd feel weird to end up in prison and not have Roadie there, though."

She let out a sigh. "Let's just get started so I can start breaking out out of prison already."

Junkrat chuckled. "We haven't even gotten caught yet, besides. It'll be a right clean outing. It took a ton of showers and everything. Roadie even made me moisturize."

She couldn't help but laugh at the mental image of them both in facial masks. She could even imagine two towels wrapped around their heads.

"Did you remember to do your nails?" she said mischievously. 

"Snowflake, this is from radiation, not a punk rock thing. Though I always did like the Ramones," Junkrat said.

She chuckled. "Get you a studded collar and you'd fit right in."

He lifted his brows suggestively. "You like me in collars, hmm?"

She gently poked him in the chest. "Not until later dates, I don't."

"I was talking about fashion choices, Snowflake. What were _you_ thinking?"

She playfully cuffed his shoulder. _"Jamison!"_

"That's promising. Anyways, I believe we've got a surprise to get to."

"That's kind of awkward, because I'm driving," she said. "You can't exactly blindfold me or play 'guess who' when I'm doing the steering."

Junkrat cocked his head. "Now there's a right problem. How about this, I give you directions to a parking lot and we hoof it from there. How does that sound?"

"It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen," Mei said.

Junkrat smiled. "That's exactly what you said about me."

"Exactly," Mei said.

~

He'd led her to a parking lot in downtown, and covered her eyes with his hands the whole way. Say what you will, Junkrat was _really_ dedicated to his surprises. It had to be a strain on his back to lean forward like this. A blindfold would've been easier, but Junkrat never took the easy way out. For him, it always had to be difficult. For example, his attempts to fix the microwave. It would've been so much easier to simply buy a new one, or call in a technician, but no, he had to turn it into a deeply deadly tool of destruction and name it Fred.

"We're almost there, Snowflake," he said.

She smelled blacktop and heard the sound of crowds. Children? Maybe an amusement park. If it wasn't, it'd certainly be on the itinerary for another date. Junkrat would _love_ roller coasters. Except they might not be dangerous enough for his tastes.

She'd have to check and make sure he didn't strap explosives or jet packs to his back. 

From across the room, she heard the sound of a sharp whistle. Junkrat muttered some very choice words. Still, he didn't pull his hands away from her eyes, so all she saw was shades of light between his fingers.

Junkrat muttered an explanation to a guard. _She's my girlfriend, see. Or at least I think she is, considering this is a date. You have to be kind of together to go on dates, right? Roadie says no, but I think it's at least sort of implied._

"Come on, Mei. Confirm you aren't a hostage to that pi- _nice guard_ ," Junkrat said "What? Me a criminal? Well, I did steal her heart...."

She cut in before he started adding things like _and ten tons of illegal fireworks_. 

"Jamison is just surprising me," she said. "And I think there needs to be a few more dates before we're officially boyfriend and girlfriend."

"That's what Roadie said, but I had to be sure," Junkrat said.

"There. We all good?" She didn't quite hear-or see, for that matter-what the guard said. But as neither of them ended up in handcuffs, she supposed they were free. 

"It'll all go more smoothly after this. Just- _oops now_ -watch out for that escalator."

A mall? What could Junkrat have planned here? Then again, after a life in the wastelands of Australia, Junkat found the most mundane things fascinating. He'd once interrupted an important conference call to scream about the wonders of cotton candy. Genji had been forced to personally keep a grip on Mercy's hand to keep her temper in check.

"Trust me, you won't be able to _bear it_ when you see what a great place I picked. In fact, it'll give you _paws_."

"Wait, I smell bear puns. Are we—are we going to the zoo?" Mei said eagerly. Did zoo's have escalators? She couldn't quite tell, with the time stuck in cryogenic sleep and all. The world was very different. At this rate, she would never catch up on her shows.

Maybe the next date would be just her, Junkrat and Netflix. Actually, Roadhog would probably tag along. She couldn't just kick him out of his own room and tell him he couldn't watch Breaking Bear with her. It was this gritty reboot about a bear who found out his family had been kidnapped and put in the circus, and started a bear mafia of making honey to get them out. Somehow, despite it all, she'd managed to remain unspoiled, and she intended to stay that way.

"Nope, right sorry, Snowflake. I'm banned from all zoos for eternity. The only way you're getting me in one of those is if you smuggle me in dressed like a clown."

"...Did you try and fight the kangaroos again?"

"Nah, there was this tiger—called him Stripey! Well, he was in the smallest cage, looked right miserable! So I freed him, and we got some chicken wings together. Turns out freeing good-natured and cute cats is a _crime_ or something. Utter malarkey, if you ask me."

"Sounds like the plot of a Breaking Bear episode...you aren't spoiling me, are you?" she said suspiciously.

"I know my life sounds too fantastic to be true, but it happened, I swear it. If you want a confirmation, just check my criminal records."

"They're at least fifty miles of paper on your records. I'd be there for hours and never even get to the 'zoo' section!"

"Yeah," Junkrat chuckled. "I sure have had a _lot_ of fun. Anyways, we're here." he pulled back his hands and handed Mei her glasses back. The world came back into focus. Just before her was a sign with little stuffed bears, and a happy little boutique filled with stuffed animals.

"Build-a-Bear?" Mei said eagerly.

"Yeah, everybody loves Build-a-Bear! Roadie is over the. He was always wanting to stop there, and I'd have to tell him 'Roadie, we're on the run. It doesn't matter if you go wear some tiny hat, everybody's going to know it's you.' He used to sulk so much when we passed all those stores. These days, he can get all of them they wanted. They started making Build-A-Pig, too, and he's just _hog wild_ over it." Junkrat burst into laughter at his own joke. 

She couldn't help but chuckle. His puns were definitely getting better. Maybe she was rubbing off on him. "He sounds fun."

"Yeah, he is! We stole tons of cars, and blew all the places up...But now we're blowing up things for _justice._ "

Stuffed animals and little clothes for them were filled in bins, and stacked on shelves in almost every bit of free space. Little drones hovered above, showing off the seasonal specials. Right in the middle were several polar bears, all with notes that a portion would be donated for arctic conservatory funds.

She hummed as she plucked it up right off the drone. She dressed him up in a little red jacket, almost like a little Santa Claus, and had just begun to work on his clothes, when she saw Junkrat with a gray stuffed mouse under his arm.

"Are you going to pick one up for him?" Mei said.

"You think I should?" Junkrat scrunched his nose up. "I don't know about this dating thing."

She clutched the bear tight to her chest. Was he breaking up with her already? They hadn't even made it through one date before she was shown to the door. They'd had such a rocky start, a part of her wanted them to succeed just to beat the odds. It'd be more complex at work, but she'd get through it. As long as he didn't eat anymore of her yogurt, she'd...find a way to be friends.

"Aww, jeez. Don't look so down, I don't mean _you_ , I mean literally. All I know about dating are the flash cards Roadie made me study before I left. And I don't even remember half of those. Haven't exactly gone on too many over the years. I think this might be my very first."

"Really? Your very first? You're almost thirty."

"It's hard to get a date when you're on the run, Sheila." 

She put a finger to her lips. "Not here."

"Yes, I know, save it for the bedroom," Junkrat said. He laughed as she swatted him with the teddy bear.

"Nice shot," Junkrat said.

" _Jamison_ , be good. There's children around. We need to keep the spicy flirting to a minimum."

"Right, wouldn't want to scar the little anklebiters for life," Junkrat said dryly. 

"Exactly," she said.

"What I meant is: do you go and get souvenirs for your roommate on dates?"

"People do a lot of things on dates. I suppose," Mei said.

"Right then, I'll pick him up something. A thanks for all those crash course and flashcards. Speaking of which, after this, we could..."

"No," Mei said.

"You know what I was going to say?" 

Mei crossed her arms. "I know you; it's going to land us in jail."

"Going out to eat lands you in jail now? I suppose if you don't pay," Junkrat said thoughtfully.

"Oh, that should be okay. You're hungry? I know a place you'd like," Mei said.

She started towards the door.

"You going to pay for that? Maybe I _am_ rubbing off on you," Junkrat said dryly.

"I-I didn't forget. I was just going that way!"

Junkrat chuckled. "Really, Snowflake. I figured _I_ would be the one to land us in the clink, not you."

She stuck her tongue out.

"I can suggest some things you can do with that," he said.

"Junkrat, behave!" It was only when the none-too-amused looking cashier cleared their throat that she stepped back into line.

~

A mouse and a bear were tucked in beside each other on the seat of Mei's hovercar.

"You sure nobody will steal them? We could throw a coat over them, keep the thieves away," Junkrat said.

"They'll be fine. This car is _very_ secure. If anyone tries to steal it, they'll run right into my modifications," Mei said.

"Ooh, freeze rays? Nice! Hands up!" For a moment, she thought he was mimicking a policeman, but soon she realized he was angling for a high-five. 

"You'll have to go a little lower for me to reach," Mei said wryly.

"Down low!" Junkrat said.

This time, she was just low enough to slap his palm with her own.

The restaurant had a definite fire theme, with a decor that looked like something straight out of a heavy metal album. They sat at a black marble bar, mottled with gray. Junkrat kept craning his neck to see more of the restaurant. And for once, it wasn't simply because he was looking out for the police, and because he was that intrigued by the room around him. It was no surprise as the chef brought out food that shone with blue flames.

Junkrat outright gaped. "This food is _on fire!_ "

"Literally!" Mei chimed in.

The flambe shimmered, and looked almost magical in this light.

Junkrat plucked up his fork, eager to tear off a bite.

"I think you're not supposed to eat it until the fire is gone," she said. She gave him a suspicious glance. "Jamison, put your fork down. We're not ending this date with a trip to the hospital."

"Wouldn't be the first time an outing ended up there. At this rate, it almost feels weird not to be sewn up after a trip."

"Listen, Mercy will be worried if we call her over here. We already had to get you fixed up after that mishap in the training room yesterday," Mei said.

"Good point. I already pissed her off enough for one day," Junkrat said.

"Oh no, what did you do this time?"

He counted off on his fingers. "Explosions, almost blew up a cyborg futuristic ninja while I was making some bombs, more explosions, accidentally drank her protein shake, more explosions..."

"Oh no, you drank her shake? Jamison..."

"I looked on the bottom! There wasn't a name there! 

"Jamison, food doesn't magically get put in the fridge. The bananas and peanut butter are Winston's, the green shakes are Mercy's..." If she started listing, she'd be there all day. Maybe she'd have to make a chart, or a sticker system. Bananas could be for Winston's food, little pigs for Junkrat's, Snowflakes for hers, and so on. Actually, that was a _great_ idea. She'd have to put it into effect when she got back.

"But, that's how food has always gotten there. Roadie does the shopping, or we lifted some," Junkrat said.

At least you didn't eat her chocolate," Mei said.

"...Chocolate, you say?"

"Oh no... You didn't get into her Swiss chocolate, did you?"

"No, but Roadie and I had some s'mores recently, and it was mighty good stuff. Hopefully it wasn't hers," Junkrat said.

"God, I hope not," Mei said. 

"Before I forgot, I got a treat for you," Junkrat said. He winked, and pulled out some kind of small green tube. She gripped the 

"Jamison, that isn't...!"

"Anything remotely boomy," Junkrat said. He managed to get the attention of one of the waitresses walking around the club. She wore a black apron, and on her head was an elaborate fire cap. They really got into the fire theme here.

"Hey, can I have a glass with nothing in it?"

Despite the strange looks, she returned with a glass and placed it before him.

"Here you go, a large glass of... nothing," she said.

"Thanks a bunch," he said. He poured out a large white candies, and dropped them one by one into the tall, clear glass.

"Mentos, the fresh maker," he said. He pulled out a can of soda he'd purchased at the vending machine just before they came in. Junkrat grinned as he poured just a small amount of soda into the glass. It bubbled like a teenage chemistry student's first lab class.

"Give it a try. It won't bite. Much, at least."

The fizzy bubbles tickled against her lips. She pulled back, just as she inhaled bubbles. 

"Neat, ain't it?" He took a sip of the bubbling, frothy mass. "If I'd put anymore in, it would've blown all over the place. That's the secret to a good explosion. You gotta know when to hold back."

"You literally have never had moderation a day in your life. Most of the time your bombs blow up in your face."

"Time flies when you're having fun. So do buildings, shrapnel...among other things."

"And you, most of the time."

"Oh, _that's_ the best part!" He held up his metal arm, and flexed the fingers. "I need to work on sticking the landing, though."

"You just need to install some kind of parachute or air bag armor," she said. "It wouldn't be too hard to figure out, I think."

She pulled the nearest napkin and drew out a little stick-figure diagram. It was quite rough, but with Overwatch's superior technology, and several other intelligent scientists along the way, they might just find a way to keep Junkrat out of trouble.

"Trust a scientist to know the right answer. All right, one more surprise." He held up a finger. "And I promise, no explosions, robbing, or blowing up things while robbing them. Well, maybe a _little_ bit of explosions, but the legal kind."

"Legal kind? Like that drink you made?" Mei said.

"No, like this," He pulled out another tube, and poured it in his mouth. Before she could ask what he was up to, he leaned in for a kiss. There was a series of tingling and explosions in her mouth as his tongue brushed against hers. His hand stroked her cheek, and all the while, there was the crackle of sweetness and flickering insider her mouth. It was the second, or perhaps third most explosive kiss they'd ever had.

"That was..."

"Pop-rocks are the best thing ever invented. Well, after dynamite. You could say they're _dynamite,_ " Junkrat said.

"You already used that pun," she said.

"And it's still funny. What, is there a maximum on how many times you can laugh at anything, Miss _A-Mei-Zing_?"

"Now that's a low blow," she said.

He burst into a big grin. "Well, I am the master of blows, low, or up," he said.

~

"My turn for another surprise," Junkrat said. Junkrat lead her through the parking lot, with his hand firmly over her eyes.

"Are you sure about this? The last thing we need is to get lost," she said.

"It's close...." he trailed off.

"What?"

"Thought I saw a police car hovering above, but they went on. Here we are!"

The Polar Bear ice cream Emporium had a cutesy bear mascot in front of a delicious-looking tall and colorful sundae.

"This place looks adorable," she said.

"It's _great_ , or at least Roadie said so. He's been raving about it. Funny thing, he used to never talk, but now you can't get him to shut up. I guess I rubbed off on him. Either that, or he's just happy. Maybe the big guy just needed more bears in his life."

"Everyone needs more bears," Mei said.

The inside was bright white, with the same cartoon bear painted all over the walls. As she walked in, she realized the floor was made just to resemble a big fluffy snowy scene. She stopped to admire the cute little decorations, the happy bear with his sundaes, and chocolate all over his snout, as Junkrat approached the counter.

The man behind the counter wore a multicolored striped shirt, with a giant bear hat that obscured most of his face, like he was only half-committed to being a bear mascot. They sure picked out interesting uniforms in the stores around here.

"Gimme a pink special, will you? Yeah, that one, right there," Junkrat said.

There was some kind of whirring. She couldn't quite see what was happening, due to his body blocking her view, and the glass over the ice cream buckets being fogged over. Maybe the pink special had some kind of special topping? But after a few moments, he brought up a cone with many 'petals' shaped out of strawberry ice cream, until it resembled a rose. 

"Oooh, it's so beautiful!" Mei said.

"I should order a dozen, a dozen roses of the best kind. Roadie said that's a 'date thing,'" Junkrat said.

"We'd get such brain freeze if we ate all of them at once. We'd look like my ice walls! Or it'd melt all over.."

"So maybe just a single rose," he said.

"That's probably for the best," Mei said. "Aren't you going to get one?"

"Right, I got distracted." He bent down and began to look through the various varieties. "Birthday cake, oooh, butter pecan, or maybe bear claw...but these moose tracks look nice....Hmmm. Oi, any chance I can get a bunch of scoops of each?"

Mei shook her head. "You're going to get so much brain freeze," she said softly. But he was too busy carrying out his many scoops to hear her.

Junkrat nudged her ankle with his foot. Somewhere along the line he'd slipped out of his boots. Unlike Junkrat, she didn't keep her shoes unlaced. She bent down to undo her shoes, just to properly get him back, and poke _his_ ankles with her toes.

"Revenge," she said mischievously.

"Nice one," Junkrat said. 

His towering stack of ice cream teetered, but he caught it in his mouth. As for her, she couldn't bring herself to take that one taste, and ruin the pristine beauty of her little iced rose.

"It's so pretty, I almost don't want to ruin it. Though I know it'll melt..."

"Then snap a picture," Junkrat said.

"Good idea," Mei said. She tried to fumble with her camera. Through it all, she couldn't quite make it one-handed.

"Hey, server guy, fancy helping us out a bit?" Junkrat called back to the server. He came out from behind the desk.

"We should at least tip him after all this," she said under her breath. 

She handed over her phone with a little sparkly polar bear case. She held up her little rose of a ice cream cone, and smiled.

"Hmm, he's not in the picture," the sever said. Now that she noticed it, the name tag said _Ethan_.

"Jamison, you'll have to lean in," she said.

He tried, but Ethan shook his furry head.

"Still nothing but a headless body. It's kind of creepy," Ethan said.

This time, they were so cramped together, they resembled a pair of lovers making out in an enclosed place. The shutter clicked, and Ethan laid the phone down.

 

"There you go," he said. She didn't quite understand Ethan's smile, until she felt something very cold trickling down her forehead.

"What the...? There's ice cream in my hair," Mei said.

"Right on it," Junkrat said.

She couldn't help but laugh as he licked across her hair.

"Junkrat! He'll think we're doing something weird."

"Nothing weird about ice cream. Over in Australia, we don't waste anything. Especially not if it falls on pretty little sheilas. I'd say it's cool-cool as a cucumber, even."

"They don't have that kind of ice cream, though I ate some Matcha ice cream when I had a layover in Tokyo." She chuckled to herself. "We haven't even ended up in the hospital, or prison."

"There's always later on," Junkrat said. He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Jamison, no," she said. 

"Consider: your ice could break through those bars real well. Trust me, I've thought about that a lot."

She poked him gently in the chest. "You went legit, remember?"

"I'm just saying, as a second date, it could be _real_ fun."

"I'll pick the second date. Though...maybe the ice will come into play," she said. 

"Oho, like?"

"Ice skating, or ice cream," she said. "Or maybe I'll drag you to the arctic and show you the wonders a nice freezing morning."

"Sheesh, just hearing that is making me cold."

"I guess I'll just have to warm you up," Mei said mischievously.

"I like the sound of that," Junkrat said.

"Really? Even the part where I drag you to an arctic wasteland?" Mei said.

He grimaced at that. "Well, I'd _prefer_ the beach, but I'm sure we could get up to some fun. I'll need tons of mittens, and maybe five coats at once. I suppose any place you're at is bound to be a little fun. I don't think I can set off my bombs, though..." He stroked his chin thoughtfully. 

"Well, trips to the arctic can wait until the third date at least. I really need to catch up on my shows."

"You're already planning out in advance? I guess a smart scientist like yourself always have a plan," Junkrat said. 

"Oh, you bet I do," Mei said.


End file.
